cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
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Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
me after eating Cheetos
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
(Gaming support cat.)
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….