Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
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Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.