If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
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Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
It be like that sometimes 😆
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
He-man has a Masters degree
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”