I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
You Might Also Like
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”