Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Cashier: Your total is $3,896
Me: Can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: OK, that’ll be $2.99
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her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep
her: *wakes up with no eyebrows
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Me at 16: She’s ugly.
Me at 21: She’s alright.
Me at 30: I’d hit that.
Me at 36: That mountain goat has nice legs.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
You know you’ve seen too many walking dead episodes when your hand gets stung by a bee and you start screaming for everyone to cut it off