@Eden_Eats

Cashier: Your total is $3,896

Me: Can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: OK, that’ll be $2.99

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@portmanteauface

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

@novicefather

her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep

me: k

her: *wakes up with no eyebrows

@primawesome

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

@LADaddy

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

@dru0887

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”Mikecanrant”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3779625598/ad268c029bb34c06cdfd3a299f8b7cf6_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”347125599673937920″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”290″;s:5:”tweet”;s:137:”Dating progression

Me at 16: She’s ugly.

Me at 21: She’s alright.

Me at 30: I’d hit that.

Me at 36: That mountain goat has nice legs.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@rockymomax

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

@slyoung5

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

@jake_lach

You know you’ve seen too many walking dead episodes when your hand gets stung by a bee and you start screaming for everyone to cut it off