INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
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IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.