@spaceboyriley

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

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@rachelle_mandik

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

@theriouthly

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

@hermanntrude

Forest fires are caused by dragons accidentally sneezing near a tree.

They’re very embarrassed about it and that’s why we never see them

@JasonLastname

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

@BromanConsul

“Is your refrigerator running?”
“Hasn’t decided yet,” I say, winking at my refrigerator & hanging up. A “FRIDGE 2016” banner hangs above him

@cali_cathy

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

@UncleDuke1969

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

@gentilecoont

Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?