Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
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Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Left at a local drug store…
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey