Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
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A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
These are too funny not to post 😂
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.