Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

no exceptions

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

When you don’t understand how floors work

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.