Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
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Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.