I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
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“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
what’s really going on
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.