Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

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Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe


I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!


I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.


[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..


If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.


Some dude just ran into Starbucks, grabbed coconut water yelling “white people milk” and left. Went outside, coconut water all over street


Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.


Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?

9: You

Me: What about me?

9: You won’t think its as funny as we do


A big thank you to whoever spraypainted “KARATE” on the side of my truck. Cops are scared to give me tickets now.


Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”