Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

ME: *making lightsaber noises*

COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…

Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?

Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.