Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
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One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
quarantine day 3
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.