casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
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Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.