casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

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No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.


[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks


If maxi pad commercials didn’t exist, us women would have no idea that we’re full of blue windshield wiper fluid.


Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.


If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’


some say Leonardo DiCaprio was a star before Titanic and some say he was a not a star but personally I will not be satisfied with this debate until Neil DeGrasse Tyson weighs in boringly about the scientific definition of “star” and everyone yells at him


Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets


in which a Twitter developer finally discovers Twitter


I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0