@carboncaitlin

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

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@catcerveny

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

@cali_cathy

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

@thedailymarker

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

@onion_an

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

@antheanton

What 2020 has taught me so far :

This year has 5380361 days
Spaghetti is even more delicious fried
Having a pet tiger is more efficient than divorce
People that are staying fit and cleaning their houses are not my people
Don’t eat bats 🦇

@Ciara_Knight

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

@hurlarious

Sweeping a woman off her feet is easy if you know karate

@rose24_em

21st century divorce:
I want it stipulated that he can’t change the Netflix password.

@hunz74

I just saw a lady jogging backwards. You go, girl…or you just went…or here you come. I don’t know which direction I’m going with this.