casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
You Might Also Like
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
These aliens are taking forever.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me