[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
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I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.