@ABurgerADay

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

You Might Also Like

@brandonIee

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

@Love_bug1016

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

@TheThryll

You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.

@XplodingUnicorn

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

@SondraDeeMe

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

@AnniemuMary

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.