Castles are great but I wish you could rent other forms of bouncy architecture

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We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls


My psychiatrist tells me it’s just transference, but I’m pretty sure I love anyone who will listen to my problems armed with a prescription pad.


Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.


Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.


TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: thatโ€™s cool, can I see it?


Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*

5 minutes later



[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok


If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?


*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?

ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?