Castles are great but I wish you could rent other forms of bouncy architecture

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“Are you smarter than a 5th grader?”

Me: “Sometimes?”

“Are you smarter than a 16 year old?”

Me: “Always.”


The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.


ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev


Being a zombie wouldn’t be that bad if it wasn’t for all the walking.


After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.


Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??


Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library


Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve


If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.