Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
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At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly