Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

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13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now


1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.


me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth


I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.


Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.


Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL


Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school


Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.