@RyanHolmquist

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

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@maryfairybobrry

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now

@SufficientCharm

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

@FredTaming

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

@Shower4Thought

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

@MadamBetteNoire

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

@ortski83

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

@ThatOMGkid

Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

@djdarrellripley

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.