casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
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*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Bootstraps
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence