*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
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chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.