My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
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Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
How can I say no to this ?
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful