@50FirstTates

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

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@sarcasticmommy4

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

@MavenofHonor

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

@TEXASVETERAN

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

@UrbanDouchebag

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

@Dawn_M_

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

@houffy

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

@C_GraceT

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING

@ComedicBust

ME: What’d you want for dinner?

MY GOTHIC GF: I pray that the lord of darkness will claim my body & soul before sunset.

ME: Chinese it is.