Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
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Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Walnuts make my every cookie a game of Minesweeper.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
ME: What’d you want for dinner?
MY GOTHIC GF: I pray that the lord of darkness will claim my body & soul before sunset.
ME: Chinese it is.