Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
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Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.