What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
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I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I’m no longer interested in self-discovery; I’m more interested in self-medication.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Two men came to the door asking if I’d found Jesus.
I had no idea he was missing and I suddenly got nervous thinking I might be a suspect.
I’m gonna go see the new Annabelle movie just to watch a less evil entity on a screen.