JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
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Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Fun way to prank Jesus is to invite him snorkeling haha he’d be stuck on top walking on the water while ur underneath having all the fun
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
girl at work scraped the frosting off her cake because there was ‘too much’ & it was ‘too sweet’ so I ate her frosting & then I ate her
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid