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@jonnysun

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

@devondaigle9

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

@pleatedjeans

Fun way to prank Jesus is to invite him snorkeling haha he’d be stuck on top walking on the water while ur underneath having all the fun

@spacewizard_t

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

@squirrel74wkgn

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

@bombsydoll

girl at work scraped the frosting off her cake because there was ‘too much’ & it was ‘too sweet’ so I ate her frosting & then I ate her

@KH0wes

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid