Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
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This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
i now pronounce you bounced.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché