[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
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me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
satan: not today, microsoft teams
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.