A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
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Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”
Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Me, eating an onion like an apple: Let me tell you why your relationships fail, pal
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
if people paid attention to safety warnings at industrial sites, we’d have way fewer super heroes