I should have stayed in kindergarten.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
“Oh honey, I love it!”
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daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Finally achieved… world peas.
Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it?
Asking for a friend
“Which would you like, a piano or a motorcycle?” “Yes.” (Yamaha)
As a Canadian my first objective is to protect the poutine
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I always envisioned Hermione as a burly, middle-aged Italian fellow, so imagine my surprise when the films revealed her to be a little girl.