[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
“Oh honey, I love it!”

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daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”


Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it?

Asking for a friend


“Which would you like, a piano or a motorcycle?” “Yes.” (Yamaha)


partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store


Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude


I always envisioned Hermione as a burly, middle-aged Italian fellow, so imagine my surprise when the films revealed her to be a little girl.