[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
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I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
waiting for halloween be like:
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I am also baked goods
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!