Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
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2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
Congratulations, everyone who saw me and my kids at the mall today. That’s the cheapest birth control you will ever have.