[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
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Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.