Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
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Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
*jingles half the way*
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
File under excellent bookstore names.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.