Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
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I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.