wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
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*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Me: You know that prank where you put dog poop in a bag and set the persons house on fire?
Her: You mean set the bag on fire
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.