Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
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Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Attacked by a mop.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’