I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
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Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
girls literally only want one thing..
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET