CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
You Might Also Like
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?