@PleaseBeGneiss

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

You Might Also Like

@burntmybagel

I walk away from auto-flush toilets like movie stars walk away from explosions

@WilliamAder

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

@KnownComment

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

@iGreenMonk

Because of Twitter, people use words like Twitterverse, Tweeple, and Twitcide.

Which makes me want to twoot myself in the face.

@QueenofSparta

You like me?

*has a conversation with you where I’m completely me.

*never hears from you again.

Right then. That’s sorted.

@MumInBits

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

@truegritrumble

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

@TheAlexNevil

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

@ArfMeasures

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup