Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
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Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
me and the Superbowl rn
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.