Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
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I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.