A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Cat knocks over coffee
Cat: (Russian accent) I admit to nothing.
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It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I’m sorry I asked if you lost a bet when you told me your baby’s name…
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H: …SELF DESTRUCT
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support