Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
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it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Good dog. ❤️
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.