My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
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INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
How I’d get arrested…
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.