My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Cat: Lame. Just lame.
Me: Shut up. Not everyone goes out Friday nights u know.
Cat: Leave extra food out. Im bringing a girl home.
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Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Angel: God.. Were you drunk creating last night?
Angel: *holds up platypus
God: a little..
Started to travel back in time to kill Hitler, but then I decided to be more efficient and went back and shot Adam and Eve instead.