@BeardedSteel

Cat: Lame. Just lame.
Me: Shut up. Not everyone goes out Friday nights u know.
Cat: Leave extra food out. Im bringing a girl home.
Me: …ok

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@MissSassy_Pants

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

@ThePawfessor

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

@hellohappy_time

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

@Social_Mime

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

@simoncholland

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

@mommajessiec

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say

@ThaJawn

Angel: God.. Were you drunk creating last night?

God: no…..

Angel: *holds up platypus

God: a little..

@BuckyIsotope

Started to travel back in time to kill Hitler, but then I decided to be more efficient and went back and shot Adam and Eve instead.