“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
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Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI