CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

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Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.


I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full


Eventually the pandemic will be over, and things will go back to something resembling normalcy, and life will go on for those of us who made it through. That’s when I’ll absentmindedly go into a bank wearing a mask and get shot


Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?


Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”


Her: *shyly* If I told you I loved you would you say it back?
Me: Of course
Her: Then I love you
Me: It back


The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.


I went outside and the air was cold and polluted.

That made me think of you.


GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”


I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.