cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
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I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.