*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
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very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!