@tjcirimele

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

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@UnFitz

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

@100DollarChill

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>??-?

(??_?)

Tell your friends”

@Midgetspar

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

@RedheadChaos

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

@jollyrobber

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

@ilovepie84

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

@LeftOf_Normal

My therapist told me “Write letters to the people you hate, and then burn them.” Did that, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters.

@Contwixt

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

@EndhooS

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.