[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
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A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
i can’t wait that long
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
How dramatic are you?
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed