cat logic is so simple yet so effective. dont like something? smack it as far away from you as possible. flawless reasoning

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[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?


Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.


Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)


I accidentally ran one of my daughter’s glitter pens through the laundry and now most of my work shirts are fabulously ruined.


To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.


Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad


for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral in the distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain crying, no umbrella so your fam thinks you might have been batman.


Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?