@yachiluvsyou

cat logic is so simple yet so effective. dont like something? smack it as far away from you as possible. flawless reasoning

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@TheAndrewNadeau

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

@Eyeronic_name

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

@MrGirlDad

I accidentally ran one of my daughter’s glitter pens through the laundry and now most of my work shirts are fabulously ruined.

@skedaddle74

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

@StevieKnip

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

@RiotGrlErin

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral in the distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain crying, no umbrella so your fam thinks you might have been batman.

@FSUSteve

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?