JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”
ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
cat logic is so simple yet so effective. dont like something? smack it as far away from you as possible. flawless reasoning
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Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I accidentally ran one of my daughter’s glitter pens through the laundry and now most of my work shirts are fabulously ruined.
the wheels on every shopping cart ever
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral in the distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain crying, no umbrella so your fam thinks you might have been batman.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?