*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
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I camp so other people don’t have to.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.