me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
*picks up cat*
*puts cat down*
Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
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“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
High cholesterol food will always have a special place in my heart.
It just seems crazy that the final apocalypse could be started by a guy who says “You’re fired” every time he launches a nuke.