Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
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[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
me and who
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”