‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
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Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Looking at you, Jesus.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.