me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
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Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
superman landing like a plane on his belly
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite