CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
You Might Also Like
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”