Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
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“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
this is how life feels
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
dutch so unserious
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.